Tulsa, Oklahoma - Firefighters were just in time for cake at a 95th birthday party for Mabel McCullough after all 95 candles on her carrot cake were blown out...and set off a smoke alarm.
McCullough's birthday party, which was put on by the First United Methodist Church women's group, was one birthday the 24 firefighters will not soon forget. The candles were so close together on the cake that it was described to look just like a torch by one of the guests. Five engines and two ladder companies accompanied the firefighters to the birthday party. Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb stated, "In my 23 years on the job, I've seen a lot of things set off a fire alarm, but I don't think I've ever heard of one going off because of a birthday cake." Although the firefighters did not stay to eat any of the cake, they did get their picture taken with the party girl herself, Mabel McCullough.
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See "datelines" in the AP Stylebook for proper format.
ReplyDeleteLead: Good approach. You just need to tighten it up and get rid of passive voice: Two dozen firefighters arrived just in time for cake after Mabel McCullough blew out all 95 candles on her birthday cake ... and set off a smoke alarm.
P2: Get rid of your first two sentences. The first is commentary; the second is bland and second-hand. Why not just use the quotes? They're colorful ... and they explain what happened.
Break it up. New graph at Lamb's quote and for the last sentence.
11/15